Diary Entry Vol. 1

I'm going through a slump at the moment. I haven't been as active on here as I would like and I think that's my personal life bleeding into my writing. With the state of the world around me and the wreck that my life has become, I've just been feeling so uninspired. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it. It's weird.

Anyway, my boyfriend broke up with me. Man didn't have the balls to do it to my face and just ghosted me. And while I've been trying to put up a brave face, I'm really struggling with that and how someone who claimed to love me could have done that to me. I'm under no illusion that he cares about me, but I am still struggling. And my struggle is something I don't have the words to explain.

It's this pain in my chest, you know? The other day, I saw him from across the exam hall and I just slipped away from the moment. I kept wondering what went wrong. And it's kind of like there's two voices in my head, the one who's like I need to get off my ass and focus on doing other stuff that I love, and the other is kind of just stuck.

I've been listening to a lot of Lana Del Rey. I really want to block him everywhere but I don't think I'm there yet. I've just been taking this shit day by day and hoping it gets better. But right now, I'm not entirely sure it will.

For the first time in my adult life, I'm scared of dating. This isn't my first horrible experience but it's the first one to hit me this bad. I guess that's because I used to have my guard up a lot and got away before any damage could be done. But he really made me think we were something. I mean, I told my mom all about him. And I'm so sad. I've got an exam tomorrow morning and it's all I can think about. I don't even know what to call this essay.

My heart still hurts. Physically, I mean. I'm not saying that to be poetic or some shit. But I try to remind myself to take deep breaths because while it doesn't entirely look like it, it does get better and hurts a little less.